Glitter, Gimmicks, and Geopolitics: My Annual Eurovision Eye-Roll

For some people it is an annual musical highlight (not for me though): the Eurovision Song Contest which, since Switzerland won last year’s event, took place in Basel last week. Don’t get me wrong, some of the songs are quite catchy and the visuals and technical wizardry are absolutely spectacular, it’s just that overall it’s not my thing. And if I watch part of it, then it’s more for some TV commentators making fun of it all, although none of them match the late Terry Wogan whose dry, sarcastic, and often mocking commentary on British television used to be a highlight in itself.

The ESC basically is a glorified musical Olympics where geopolitics, glitter, and gimmicks collide — and the best song almost never wins. Also it’s a yearly spectacle where voting blocs outshine vocal talent.

For its beginnings we have to go back to 1956 when there were only 7 countries participating, and they each got to sing two songs, because no one else had the budget (or the patience) to enter. By the way, this first event also got won by Switzerland. And while most winners fade back into obscurity as quickly as they have risen from the ashes, the two exceptions standing out being ABBA, which really shot to global fame with their song Waterloo which won the 1974 contest, and Céline Dion whose career got off the ground when she won in 1988.

In the 1980s every entry sounded like it was made on a Casio keyboard during a power outage. Ireland won. A lot. Nobody really knows why, but they kept sending ballads that made people cry just enough to vote. Then in the 2010s the “Big Five” (France, Germany, Italy, Spain, UK) got permanent final spots — because of money. Fast forward to this year’s contest and the budget rivalled a small country’s GDP, entries included AI-generated ballads, holographic dancers, and one guy playing a harp shirtless on a hoverboard (where else could you possibly see such a thing other than at the ESC?).

Some of the acts performing at the ESC really do stand out and for lack of a better word can only be described as oddballs: Anyone remember the Austrian Conchita Wurst (participated in 2014), a bearded drag persona with glamorous diva look, and a powerful James Bond-esque ballad that by the way won the contest that year? Or Lithuania’s The Roop (participated in 2021), featuring yellow outfits, quirky synchronized dance moves, and 80s synth-pop aesthetic (they finished in 8th place)? Being able to sing is definitely an advantage but by no means a prerequisite: There have been many acts over the years which were off-key, but maybe none more so than Jemini, the UK’s entry of 2003, which was completely off-pitch from the very beginning and resulted in Britain’s first ever ESC ‘nul points’.

Once upon a time the ESC, organised by the European Broadcasting Union, was an entirely European affair. But nations from afar having joined the EBU, in recent years countries such as Australia, Azerbaijan and Israel are now participating in the ESC whose initial and laudable purpose it was to unite post-war Europe through music and broadcasting. This worked mostly quite well, albeit countries with same languages and similar cultural values would vote for each other (lest they find themselves invaded by upset neighbours the morning after the broadcast). This year it was in particular the participation of Israel which has stirred the emotions, with demonstrations inside and outside the main arena on the evening of the final.

Points can be obtained through the votes from the professional jury and the public in each country – and the two don’t necessarily agree: Israel in this year’s contest got the highest public score but was not even ranked among the top 10 by the national juries. Switzerland on the other hand got awarded the second highest number of points by the experts but nil points by the public: I suppose one is allowed to wonder whether everyone was watching the same event. But then again, as already mentioned, the ESC is the perfect annual opportunity to flatter your friends and punish nations you can’t stand without this having any undesired consequences.

So that was it, until next year.. and with Austria having won this year’s competition with a catchy but also somewhat weird song (well, that’s my opinion anyway), it’s then up to them to organise the next edition of one of the more pointless shindigs I can think of. We now got 12 months to recover – and steel ourselves for next year’s antics.